kimmie nguyen:

Mother's Golden Rule

My mom's boyfriend is in Vietnam for an entire month so I've been tasked with frequent visits home to make sure she doesn't go stir crazy. I was happy to see that nothing seemed too out of the ordinary last weekend. Mom's been keeping busy with many trips to the temple and the supermarket. And she's been sleeping with all the lights on in the house, to keep the ghosts away of course.

There were several great moments from the weekend but I leave you with this bit of dating advice:

mom: You remember, nice girl. Wait three month.

me: Eh? What do you mean? Why am I waiting three months?

mom: With boy! They no respect you when you lay wit dem. They play wit you for a few month or year and dats it, no marry. Nice girl no sex wit boy.

me: Play? I'm not a puppy, mom.  But..what if I don't care about getting married?

mom: That OK. You go temple then. No boy is good.

me: But I don't want to be a monk!

mom: Then listen mommy. No fool around for three month. You go out. You make nice. Go dinner, get to know and then if they good, good person...take home and dat it. Sure thing after dat!! Dat how mommy and boyfriend last so long. He could only touch my hand for first three month.

me: Whaaa...it's most definitely not a sure thing after three months. What if they can't get it up? The horror.

mom: What you say?

me: Nothing! Three months, got it.

Sometimes you have to just roll with it...

Mom never ceases to surprise me with her comments. Mostly due to the fact that she believes almost anything she hears; especially if it's from reliable sources such as the news or our next door neighbor. She also believes in the nonsensical ideas that develop in her head, like how allergies and colds can both be cured by not showering and wearing turtleneck sweaters. Even now in my 30s, I'm unable to dispel any of these theories from her head. And not for lack of trying either.

The other evening, I checked my phone and saw not one but four calls from mom while I was out. She also left three messages that went from calm to very worried in a span of two hours. I quickly called knowing that she was thinking something terrible had happened:

mom: What happen to you?! Where you? You not home.

me: Whaaa…I was at dinner mom! I just got home. I don't always have my phone out, sorry. You shouldn't worry so...

mom: I call. Call four time. I know you not home yet. You still out somewhere. Girl like you need to be at home. You go out, no boy want you for serious time.

me: Er…no, I'm home! I'm home!

(pause)

mom: You should not gamble. You lose money.

me: WHAT? I don't gamble! How many times have I…

mom: No! I know you go Vegas all da time. You will lose job. Boss no like people they no trust.

me: Wait. What? I DON'T gamble and I don't think my boss would care if...

mom: You never listen to me. No gamble. Economy is bad now. You should no drink beer either.

me: Beer?

Granted I may have been tipsy from the wine at dinner. But dammit, I'm no gambler!

The Family Curse

I always come back with funny-if-not-painful stories after a visit with the parents. This year I got a little bit of my sister into the mix. My sister comes from the "old generation". Her style of dealing with mom is just to nod in agreement. Seeing her interactions was a good reminder that mom let's me get away with a lot and in the big picture of things, she has come a long way in accepting who I am.

Sort of.

Our family hasn't done Christmas together in years. Mom scoffed at the idea of decorations and a proper Christmas meal, but we at least got to exchange presents. And because I knew she would be in good spirits, I brought home champagne and beer! That's right. Even though alcohol is only for hookers and the devil, I too was able to bring it into the house. I also brought board games and holidays movies for entertainment. If it weren't for those things, we would've been twiddling our thumbs and taking more naps to pass the time. We were already at two naps per day...

'Tis the season for story time:

mom: Lan and Kathy sleep here wit Buddha shrine. You sleep wit mommy. Bac Loc sleep in small room.

me: What? Why can't I have the small room?

mom: No heat honey. Only in mommy room.You sleep wit me.

[Lugging duffel up the stairs]

me: How do you not have an extra space heater? You had three last year! And you snore too. There's no way I can sleep with you, mommy.

[From the top of the stairs]

mom's boyfriend: Hehehe, SHE GOT YOU dis time. You have to sleep wit mommy.

me: Huh? What's with sleeping with the kids? I'm in my 30s!! Bah, I'll just bundle up in the other room. I can't sleep with mom...she snores...a lot.

[Me: sitting in the other room, pondering layering options]

[Bedroom door opens]

mom's boyfriend: OKAY. Mom say you princess. We open up other heater for you.

me: What?? You said there wasn't another heater! And...I am not a princess!

***

[Sis and I are watching "Love Actually" and drinking beers. Mom walks in:]

mom: OH MY GAD!! You sit wit beer just like that. You tink it OKAYYY?!! You like girl who walk street. Only hooker sit wit beers. Don't let boy see you loose. Dis why tey no marry you!

***

mom: Pretty watch, it new honey? How much dis watch?

me: Yea, it's new. Why do you always ask for the price? It wasn't too expensive...average I guess for a watch of this quality.

mom: Mmmm, mommy like it. Look nice on you.

me: Oh, um do you want one? I can get you the same watch though the face may be too big for your wrist...

mom: ...no, no honey. Mommy have many. Four or five. Have one waterproof, go to 60 meters in watah!! 60 meter! Good for when mommy wash dish.

me: =|

***

sister: You know honey, our family is cursed.

me: OMG. Our family is not cursed unless you call bad parenting a curse.

sister: NOOOOOOoooo... It happened before grandpa time. I heard story when I was little. A family neighbor said it, said it was true.

me: Seriously Lan, now you sound as crazy as mom! We are not cursed. Not cursed. Repeat. After. Me.

sister: Look at mommy brother and sisters. All divorced except for youngest Auntie. Look at our cousins, Chi Mi Yung, Anh Son, Anh Hung...51...all single still and...

me: ...wait, Anh Hung is weird. I'm not surprised he's single. That makes total sense, it's NOT a curse.

sister: No, there's Michelle and Anh Hue, never thought he would get divorced. They never even fought! And me, I'm divorced too.

[pause]

sister: And look at you, honey, you're almost 35yr old. You still single and maybe no husband ever...

me: Awesome.